Friday, September 23, 2005

It's only words...........

Like book tagging, now there are tags, challenging you to write a story in 55 words. I am bad with word limits and all this things but still I thought of trying my lame attempt to accomplish this (nearly impossible) feat.

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He opened his eyes. It was still dark, her smell still lingering in air.

'I'll have to go.'
'But that's not possible, how can you do that??'
'I'm sorry. Take care of yourself'

Trying to forget, he took out last cigarett and only matchstick remaining.
He thanked his luck for that.

And it started raining!!


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BTW, here's the one that I liked most.

Thursday, September 22, 2005

I can't forget......

I can't forget
The way she used to smile.

I can't forget
Way it used to make me forget
That I've walked miles.

I can't forget
Her deep blue eyes
Like river Nile.

I can't forget
The way I thought one day
I'wd walk with her on aisle.

I can't forget
I would wait
For her to see.

I can't forget
Plans I made to ask
For my love, on knee.

I can't forget
The way she's waving her hand
Saying goodbye and that's me.

Sunday, September 18, 2005

Update #

I am still very much here. Only thing was, I was out of town for a while and when I came back, much of pending work was waiting there to be completed which didn't gave me enough time to complete all those entries in which I had jotted down my balbs and thoughts. Even, account had some probs wherein my drafted posts where not visible. But I am back, still some entries are waiting to be edited so other posts later on.
Reading this by "Sublime Thoughts" (Link Courtesy: IndiaUncut) took me back, down the memory lane, reminiscenting about those old days when the channel meant DD Metro or DD-II which only started relaying at 5.00 in evening till something like 11.00 or 12.00 midnight. I still remember when Mtv first started in India, it used to be relayed on DD-II channel from 5 to 7, Monday to Friday with all those Foreign pop and songs and that was my first tryst with Vdesi Music. And saturdays and Sundays used to be TV time day. When my school used to get over at 3.30 pm on Saturday, the rush to home was imminent for at 4.00 there used to be this Maths based quiz type of program (I can't recall the name right now) but I still remember it was hosted by someone called Benji accompanied by a computer (which were very much novel and inquisitive in those days. In fact, now I am pretty much sure that it was someone in person behind that array panels of lights, dubbing his audacious voice for so called computer. I still can remember getting those maths basic concepts learned from the explanations provided by Benji. And soon as that get ended, it was my mom's turn to TV as unavoidable Hum log started. As far as I can remember it was the second serial after Nukkad that used to get my mom's undivided attention. I still remember those sutradhar speeches by Ashok Kumar. Then at 5.00 in evening, it used to be DD-II which used to telecast Teletubbies (in english) and then there used to be some cartoons till 6.30. And Friday or saturday late night (at 10.30)used to be English movie hour.

And Sunday morning eminently started at 7.00 in the morning with humming sound of songs with Rangoli (it still on air till now) which used to end at 8.00 and there would be a break of an hour rill 9.00 during which everyone had to finish their morning rituals including bathing. And then as soon as clock struck 9.00 it was time for everyone to gathered in front of TV. And everyone doesn't mean only family member but it also included your neighborhood who did had access to TV. (Back in those days, TV was still considered to be premium luxury) for it was time to watch the great epic called Mahabharata. Streets used get deserted, people used to avoid going anywhere, abandoning the TV. And then there used to be 'Stoneboy' about a guy who comes alive from stone and there used to be Street Hawks. In between, they also had this puppet serial named "Potli baba ki".

And from Mon to Fri 9.30 used to be prime -serials-time, with serials like Circus, Mungerilal ke haseen sapne, Byomkesh bakshi, Uddan and many other that I cant remember right now. And sunday night used to be with Surbhi with Siddhart Kak and Renuka Shane who used to take you on the Journey of the vast rich Indian cultural heritage. And in between there used to be documentary serial based on Nehru's work "Discovery of India" which was one of the best world class work directed by Shyam Benegal. And, there used to Chitrahaar on Wednesday and Friday. There also used to be this another documentary serials of and by National Geographic channel of it's famous adventurous explorations work around the world. There was Milind Soman with DD's or India's first ever english serial "Mouthful of Sky". And there used to be this another serial on DD-II about this professor and his two grandchildren who are in 2050 in a spaceship along with a robot and Professor introduces and educates his grandchildren to various famous professors and their works. And there used to be "Uddan" about the making it into AirForce and "Pachpan Khambhe, Lal Dewaar" about lady professor who has sacrificed her life for sake or her family and then Hello Zindagi by Nalini Singh with title track sung by none other than Jagjit singh. And how can I forget the beautiful "Gul Gulshan aur Gulfam" the kashmiri family drama set in the familiar beautiful and scenic scene of Dal lake and kashmir hills.

The best thing of all was one TV was suffice for whole family and there never used to be who watches what fight in those days, like in now-a-days, when mom want's to watch K serials, Dad wants to watch some news, my children some others.

Saturday, September 10, 2005

Mad Madder Maddest

I think I am getting more insaner day by day, or rather it's only a misconception, like all the other ones that I have. Something undefinable, undescriptable has been happening with me lately and I am still not able to figure out what. Have you ever have those feelings when everything is going perfectly alright, absolutely perfect and you think this could be no better than this and then you suddenly get this feeling there is something wrong somewhere, something absolutely that shouldn't be there. You go though all the things looking everything, everywhere trying to figure out what it is but then everything is perfect in it's place, like as it should be but that feeling doesn't leave you, making you restless, keeping you up on your heels in anticipation of what dreadful is going happen. Something what people say like Intuition. Now-a-days this is a happening very much with me. I wake up-reach office-finish work-meet friends and people-go back to home-sleep and again wake-up next morning. Everything is going-on as it should, nothing out of place, nothing wrong, nothing abnormal but suddenly, like some dejevu this felling comes back as if saying this is the sign of silence and peace that occurs before the incoming storm.

When finishing this project, I get this feeling something is wrong, I recheck the whole stuff, make other 3 people recheck it who assure me everything is alright. And it does not stop there. I am in cab waiting for driver to drive me back home and it comes again, making me think, something will happen on way back home, might be an accident or breakdown or puncture or something really bad. I panickingly ask driver if everything with car is alright, fuel, air pressure in tyre, spare tyre and he gives me that different then everyday, are-you-alright? kindda stare assuring me everything with car is alright. I reach home, go to bed and it comes again, this time saying, someone's in that room. I get up check the room but no one's there except me. I double check the door latches and window security grill for the fear of robbers. I go back to bad saying to myself everything's alright and there is going to be nothing. I ask myself to stop acting paranodically and be sane, but I can't sleep. There's something at back of my mind that still doesn't allow me to sleep. Something which I cannot define, something inexpressible, something making me much self conscious and hyper self aware, making me feel very unsecured.

Again I reassure myself, do some breath control exercise, clam my mind and finally manage to get asleep. I can't understand why, but this panic attacks are finally getting me since I am back from home. I am now feeling more insecure than ever before. May that has something to do with the thing that I saw there, friends progressing in their respective careers, making their own path, managing to settle down in their own life, finding their better halves, planning their marriage, future home and kids (and imagine me moron sitting with them while they are having this coochi-coo future planning cum romantic conversation, staring blindly at them cursing and blaming myself). All of them (including my mom, who when came to knew the things, started giving me their examples) made me so much self-aware about where I was going on with my life. Esp. when my mom questioned my educational qualification (what value does a graduate degree hold in today's market) and a good friend of mine, my career moves (So you still think you are going to get progress and growth in this field after 3 years).This has all forced me to think, may be I am wrong in taking the path of life that I am currently walking on, or, or may I, instead of being self confident and decessive individual as I have tried to project myself, I am only over confident, lazy, indecisive, confused one who can't even stand an opinion of other about himself or his ways and despises them.

Friday, September 02, 2005

Tic Tac Toe, This Is The Way You Go...!!!

So you know, Z is going to Australia today evening, said my Mom, making my tea . So.....!!!!!??? I was still lying in my bed in getting-out-of-morning-sleep stage waiting for tea, when she started conversation. "You know his brother went to UK last december and is now settled down there. Z didn't got visa so he's going to Australia and then will move to UK later" "Nice plan. Idhar nahi to udhar, BTW, what's he doing there?" "He' working in Mall, 5 pound per hour, makes nearly 150 pounds a week" "umm......I was referring to Z not him, but didn't he want for studies ?" ""Yes, but then you have to work there to sustain yourself, not like here and even Z's going for studies, MBA or something like that" But this time, I was quiet aware where she was trying to steer conversation but me, still loathing in morning sleep haze and didn't wanted to get into argument, so instead of replying her back, I simply concentrated on my tea. Before she could say anything more, I said, Umm....sugar is less, it taste's bitter. I forgot you need more sugar. Silence.......... And then the very much thing that I dreaded came. Why don't you even try??? ummmmm.......for what? Don't kid around, you already know what I am saying. Yes, I fully understood her from the moment she started. I've already told you thousand times, I am not interested. But why? Look at yourself, what you've been doing all this years. You are worried about nothing and you care for none. I know what I have to do and what I am doing. You realize nothing, this job of yours is not going to support you through your life and what about your education. You haven't even taken any further studies after collage and in this age, simply graduation is nothing. If not for anything, atleast try for studies. Mom, not again plzz. Can't I have a break??? You still don't understand anything. Do you want me to go back. Can't I even have some peace down here? I retorted trying age old remedy, Emotional blackmailing. By this time, my dad who already came to know what commotion was about, entered room like a savior and took whole thing off track asking me what were my plans for the day. Till now, still I don't understand what's driving people so crazy and mad about rushing overseas rather than staying in India. I have met so many people who, given choice between decent earning white collar job here and blue collar job in overseas would still prefer to choose later. Might be it has something to do with our history and way our generation have been bought-up, to be ruled and not to rule. Not to mention that strange looking stares and comment that I get when I say people I prefer working down here rather than going abroad. Frustrated of pursuing me, my uncle once even called me cynic and mad for refusing the offer. Like any other typical Gujju Patel family, I have more than half of my paternal and maternal family scattered around half of world including, my three aunts in Eshtates, one in Canada, an uncle in UK, a cousin in Australia, another one in Newzealand, other two doing MBA and working respectively in Germany and not to mention other numerous bypass blood relatives (brother of the uncle's cousin sister's daughter-in-law). I can't remember meeting anyone in our social circle, who does not have someone or other living overseas. And they say it with pride, even so what if his son is working in stores or her daughter-in-law has to work as baby sitter. So when I told my aunt, who used to call me atleast once in a week basis when I graduated to counsel me to come there, that I am not interested was in awe with shock. To be frank and confessive, till now I have never ever felt charmed or something which could have inspired me to go overseas. I still remember the social gathering we had when my cousin was going UK for first time. Atmosphere was something like an impossible feat that he had managed to achieve. And then he returned after 1.5 years. Reason, he couldn't bear 14 hours long workdays and that smelly small bedroom after living a lavish life here being only son. That thing sparked off something in my mind, something that even tells me even today there is a life here rather than working 14 hours a day and getting second class citizen treatment, coming back home and eating that 3 day old dinner after reheating it. So what if you will have to struggle here it is no different there and then if efforts get paid there so are they here. Might be we need to think and change perspective about what you considered paid. The reward might not be dollars or something physical, but there is a feeling about being close to people with whom you want to be, with those who matters to you, being treated as an equal citizen, having that feeling, you are doing something for your country. To have sure feeling, there will be someone by your side here whenever you need them, no matter whatever things are. Having that warm home cooked meal daily with someone waiting for you at dinner when you return home. Celebrating festivals and occasions on same days rather than on weekends. To be sure that your employer won't kick you on back one fine morning after working with him for last 10 years. Might be that sounds something exaggerating but if you are asking that to half of average class people living there, you will realize how much value that holds. I may be wrong, might be I understood and got concept incorrectly, and there are others who don't agree with me but then, I have never asked them to agree with me.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Why is it so that sometimes you don't want that things to happen for which you have wished, for which you have longed, for which you have waited with baited breath till the moment they have arrived. And then, when that moment is finally there, you wish it would not have been there or might be this is not for which you have waited and anticipated for so long. Might be he makes it work that way to make you realize how momentarily your wishes are. So last evening when Knl called up to say that he has got some couple of passes for dance party at FR, I decided to go with him inspite of having a hectic, exciting, tiring and exhaustive day, even inspite of the thing that I already had told my Mom that I would be spending the entire evening with her which I hadn't done since I am back in town (ohh BTW...currently I am on break visiting my home town from some last 12-13 days, gathering lots of stories, updates (and most importance blabbering) which I am planning to blog later). The main reason, K being a buzy guy (he runs classes and tutions and has his schedule jam packed from 8 am to 11 pm) doesn't have much time to spare around and we hadn't had spent much time together talking about everything and anything that had happened since last year when I was absence so might be, this was the chance to catch up all those things and tell him about few thing that I was looking forward to.

And so, me, K along with two other friends V and H went to this place. Anyhow, it wasn't much happening and the resident DJ was playing some crappy things. Since I was already tired and exhausted after long day and music wasn't much happening me and H hit the couch and rest of us, the dance floor. As it was pretty much boring and I wanted to catch up things with Knl since that was my main motive for being there but anyhow he found that crappy thing interesting to dance upon and was shaking like there was no tomorrow. Arnd 10.30 some guest DJ arrived ( courtesy: party sponsors) and finally started belting out some nice cool stuff which forced rest both of us to join them. But then at some 11.45 the former DJ again took the control of console and then crap followed. So Knl finally decided to take brk. I followed him. Now FR has this adjustable partition dividing the whole floor into two parts and they had converted the other half into the lounge kinnda thing. As I wanted to chat and had something to tell him but the noise level too high for conversation, I just told him, "let's move outside, want to tell you something". He replies, I am tired let's jus sit down here, pointing sofas in corner. As soon as we took our seats, V appeared out of nowhere asking Knl to join him, he had jus discovered S (an old pal) shaking legs with some group of girls and the very next moment, the very tired K jumps in to join him even without bothering me or as if I was entire third entity nowhere in picture. That very thing mindfucked me. I was here waiting to tell him something with all the excitement and enthusiasm and he simply walked off pouring cold water over everything. I felt like punching him on face and walking off but I still don't know why I stayed back there, might be jus for the sake of being friends or that I didn't had any other place to go at that time of night and I didn't wanted to get bored to death by reaching home early. I left dance floor and went outside for smoke. H soon joined me and we had small talk. He too was getting bored. So in despite of the former incident, I ventured again and ask K to push-off as it was really getting boring for me and H. He said just 5 more mins and he will be out and for next 45 mins me and H were waiting for his 5 mins to end. Finally he appeared when it was all going to end. Icily and sarcastically I told him that he still had 3 minutes left and he replied , 'I am sorry but V jus wanted to chill out for some more time'.

That very thing freaked me like anything and erased all the remaining things that I had for him. I had already told him earlier that in spite of hard hectic and tired day, I was there only for him and he was here behaving like I was entirely 3 person, engrossed with V and rest of ppl ignoring me. So without saying other word, I simply walked off towards parking to get my bike. I think so he did guessed my mood so when I came out of parking he tried to patch up things but now I was no longer mood to lissen to anything. Ignoring everything I told him I was feeling sleepy and just wanted to sleep so I am leaving. He told me, he would called me the other day, but like his 5 minutes, I am still waiting for his call. Lesson learned. Next time before being euphoric about the person you are going out with, for Christ sake even know the people who will be accompanying you.

Thursday, August 04, 2005

Row, row, row, your boat; Gently down the stream. - I

It has been a tough time for past few days and right now I am really really exhausted. Still I decided to post this as it was getting delayed from past 4 days due to one thing or other. This few days were very enduring I might say, insightful, unforgettable, exhaustive, luckier, and what not. By now, I am sure you must have guessed I am referring to the latest mayhem and havoc that rains have created in Mumbai. It is still so horrible and scary that thinking of it gives me creeps. People surviving without any food or water for 2 days amidst 15-20 feets of water around them. I was one of those luckier (touch wood) bunch who luckily were saved from this fury.

Generally, my shift ends at 9.00 am and I am at home by 10.00-10.30 but on Tuesday, unaware about what layed ahead, I decided to finish few pending things. So I had to visit this bank for getting certain final formalities done for getting my D-mat acct. The bank guy was calling up from past 2 weeks as certain Docs were pending and I was kinnda putting him off. After that there was my Cell bill which was to be cleared and my plan was to be changed. The bugger Service Rep told me that I would have to visit their center in person to get that done before my billing date which was just 2 days away when I called them. And after that I had to visit my Tailor to get back clothes that I had given him for stitching and repairs from past 15 days. Finally, when I was done with all the stuff it was already 1.30 and it had started raining. Considering it to be normal seasonal shower, I took cab back home. By the time I was in bed it was 2.30 p.m. and I had to get back to office by 10.00.

I was suddenly awakened at around 4.00 pm by sounds. I was dark in my room so I turned towards switch board and switched on the light and damn was no electricity at all. Cursing, I went outside to see what was causing uproar. When I peeped down from my second floor balcony, the whole ground floor was flooded with knee deep water and people with help of other residents were unsuccessfully trying to stop water entering their home. Too tired to help or get into the matter, back I went to bed. When I awoke again, it was 8.00 and pitch dark. Power was still unavailable and sounds still coming. Recalling the evening water levels, I went outside and I realized that my roomie had still not arrived. May be because of rains which is very usual affair in this season. so I grabbed my cell and tried to call him but there "No Network" sign continuously flashed on my screen and I was unable to get through. Anyhow, I went outside in dark, I saw, water that was knee deep in evening had arose to waist height and people instead of stopping water, were busy in dim light of candles and troches transferring and salvaging there whatever movable stuff from Ground Floor to first floor. Again I tried calling M but still no network. Then I realized I hadn't charged my battery since last night and it was running low. So instead of making failed attempts to call him and wasting battery, I kept cell back and visited ground floor which was now in chaos like situation with mothers unsuccessfully trying to pacify the kids and their counterparts with help of others transferring their stuff to upper floor. There were this 2 ladies whose hubby hadn't arrived till now and they were busy worrying about them. Hanging around their for next few minutes doing few petty jobs, I decided to call M again as I was worried about him after listening to water logging story of a guy who had just arrived walking from Mahim. According to him, there were knee deep water everywhere and somewhere neck deep, not a single mode of transport was working, Local trains were closed since 3.00 due to no electricity, and ppl had started abandoning vehicles on road, preferring to walk, communications were not working and cell lines were jammed. There was still no network and I was unable to make any calls. Suddenly I noticed the time, it was 9.00 and my regular office cab was supposed to arrive at 9.20. I didn't even knew if he will be turning up in such waters or not. Still I decided to get ready for office in case he turned up without any notice as I was unable to reach anyone on phone. It was not in best interest to put formals right now, instead I just took a quick shower by candle light, put on my tracks and T's and packed a spare pair to change, in case if I reached office. Usually my cab arrives between 9.15 to 9.30 but I waited till 10.00 and still no sign of Car. Now, my house is situated inside the lane, where there was much water, I thought he might be waiting outside lane due to water and I went outside. Knee deep water started getting deeper and by the time I was on main road, water had nearly reached waist height and there was not cab waiting for me. So abandoning the plans to go office, I came back home and went back to sleep as there was nothing else I could do.

I was awakened next morning by door bell at 10.00, I opened the door and it was M. Thank god he reached home safely. And then I started my interrogation about what happened. Too tired, he told me that they went to catch movie last noon and were stuck down there since then, Power was gone halfway through screening and when they came out it was water and rains everywhere. Patiently, they decided to wait till both subsided but it kept on increasing and at 6.00 in eve the water level reached the entrance of Theatre. Since, it was working day noon, there were not much ppl for the screening but there were still few, approx 100-110. When water started entering theatre, they were escorted to empty halls and wait till water receded. Finally, he went out at 11.00 to assess the situation and was horrified to find that level instead of decreasing had increased till below knee. The ppl were feeling hungry. Luckily, the manager a kind guy, opened the food court for them free of charge, jokingly he told me they had candle light dinner. They spent rest of night sleeping in empty hall floor and chairs. Then when rain stopped and water receded little at 6.30 am they decided to come walking and he somehow managed to reach home. To tired to say anything more, he begged me to interrogate him later and went to bed.

By this time, the water had receded and I went out for walk. Power was still not restored and people were thonging few shops which were opened by owner to assess the situation of property. There was no water at home since morning. So I went and brought 3 bottle of mineral water, bread, butter and few other grocery. Returned back home and went to sleep. Still unaware about facts and real situation, I though this to be normal, regular once in a season affair as we used to face such situation atleast once every year during monsoon back in Ahd. It was four when I got up again. Sky was looking clearer than morning and there was no more sign on water in my lane. I told M, I've decided to venture out for office as I was getting bore doing nothing since, there was no power, nothing to do and I had slept enough to be awake for new 3 days ( for which I am repenting right now). I don't live that far from my office (just 20 mins drive) so I decided to take a Rick. Reaching main road, I tried calling rick but there were none and those who were ready asked to enormous charges. Frustrated, I thought of walking to office but looking at the condition of roads, I still decided to give it a try before embracing the walking idea. Luckily, I saw a BEST bus arriving which could take me halfway through office. After getting down, I thinking what next to do as there were no ricks where I had got down. Suddenly, this guy on bike pop-ups and asks me if I wanted to reach somewhere. I guess, he mush have noticed my office bag. I told him where I wanted to go. He said, he could drop me nrby my office as he was going other way. I wanting to miss opportunity, I grabbed the offer. He asked me where I was going at this time and when I told him office, he was surprised, luckily no more questions. He dropped me nr by the office and I thanked him. Finally, when I reached office at 6.00, I was shocked and surprised.


(More later...as I am finding it hard to keep my eyes open at this time..................)